Archive for December, 2005

Computer Death

December 19, 2005

My laptop has died.

That’s the third computer I’ve killed in the last 5 years.

I really need to start buying those stupid fucking warranties. I’m getting ultra screwed.

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Let Me Tell You About Bravery… Ah, Those Sweet Gay Cowboys

December 19, 2005

The media seem to be running with a recurring theme around this movie: (Brokeback Mountain) the “bravery” of the actors playing the roles, the “courage” it took them to do it, and the “speculation” about whether America is ready for a “gay cowboy movie.” Certainly not a position a liberal would take, so it befuddles me how the media is labeled “liberal.” Because the media has all but compared these two to war heroes for their portrayal of two closeted cowboys in a story of unrequited love and personal deception…

Now, there can be no doubt it took awhile for this movie to be made. And there can be no doubt there was a lot of fear surrounding it. And that’s what the media should be talking about. Instead of playing into the homophobia about how courageous it is to play gay, the media should be examining why it’s OK to play a rapist, a demon, a vampire from hell, a serial killer who eats his victims with fava beans and nice chianti, or any of the hundreds of sick, warped, twisted characters Hollywood puts out and we gobble up. Why do studios green-light films all the time that have gruesome plots or despicable characters, and why did this film languish for years? …

And to all you straight actors who want pats on the back for playing gay: Until you’ve lived gay, until you’ve been denied a job because of it, or had to hide in a Hollywood closet; until you’ve had your jaw smashed or watched a generation of your friends die of a disease while government did nothing (like in the Reagan era), don’t speak to me of courage.

It takes courage to be gay and out, not to play it.

Read the rest

I was flipping through the channels last week and found a Fox “talking heads” segment where they gave airtime to some nutjob who thought Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal gettin’ it on on the range was promoting “the gay agenda.” When asked what this gay agenda was, he responded that it promoted anal sex and the destruction of the family.

When asked if he’d actually seen the movie…

Well, no, of course he hadn’t.

But come now my fellow straight women and gay boy buddies and romantic straight boys who sigh over love stories: all politics aside, how the hell can you pass up a movie where Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger are gettin’ buck nekid in the tall grass?

I intend to pay money for that.

It’s a romance movie, people. With hot guys. Get over it.

And I Would Just Like to Say

December 19, 2005

I’m really happy Christmas is coming up and I’ve got a week off work (sort of. I’m working remotely for an hour every weekday morning so I can run our daily reports. Partly because I’m too lazy to teach someone else to do it and partly because I don’t have the PTO hours to take a “real” vacation. Maybe next year).

I’m very happy we’re doing our family beach trip to Cannon Beach on the Oregon Coast (the “Goonie” beach, you know), and I’ll be really glad to get away from my weird house for a week.

I leave for the west coast from work here on Thursday. Jenn’s leaving today (she’s orginally from California), and K’s out tonight. I’ll have a couple good nights to myself at the old place, anyway.

I have a shitload of writing to do.

No, I Don’t Want to Be Your Friend

December 19, 2005

Mr. Grande Latte Enema has given all the admins a bottle of wine for the holidays. When I saw the bottle on my desk, I had a surge of affection because I thought it was from Blaine or Yellow, you know, the guys I actually know and work with. Instead, it was the new mucky-muck office head sent straight from corporate who’s been having a hell of a time making friends with all us cynical bastards.

As with last year, when Juan the closet misogynist gave all the admins Godiva chocolates, I am vaguley annoyed. It’s like, if it was from somebody I actually had a working relationship which, it would be cool. I’d be delighted to get a bottle of wine from Yellow. But getting a gift from the office head who you never speak to is like getting a Valentine’s card from the popular girl in school who you know only gave you a card because her mom made her give *everyone* a card. There’s no affection behind it, no relationship, only something that feels uncomfortably like it’s either obligation or a like-like-me present, or both.

Eh, at least it’s red wine. I was worried I’d have another bottle of white cooking wine on my hands.

News From the Trenches

December 19, 2005

Just in time for Christmas, I got back word today that my story, “Wonder Maul Doll” has been accepted for the war anthology “From the Trenches,” to be published next year.

I am really, really happy about this.

15 Things About Me & Books

December 19, 2005

1) The first time I had sex was in a bookstore

2) The first best friend I ever had was a kindergardener who sat in front of our first grade class and read us a fourth-grade level book. He read all the time during class, and our friendship was based on the books we recommended to one another.

3) The sexiest present I ever heard of anyone getting was Kelly Link: on her thirtieth birthday, Gavin Grant gave her thirty books, each individually wrapped.

4) For the last two years, I have lived with a woman who has a book fetish. She counts our books and encourages my book-buying frenzies.

5) Buying books makes me feel good.

6) I enjoy reading books as foreplay

7) The book by my bed that I’m constantly re-reading is Michael Cunningham’s _The Hours_. The book I’ve read the second-most is Cunningham’s _Flesh And Blood_.

8) The first fantasy saga I ever read was not the Lord of the Rings (which I’ve never read). It was the first three Dragonlance books. At the time, I thought it was the coolest thing I ever read.

9) I own almost all of the Howard Conan novels. And I enjoy them. I find them deeply funny.

10) I considered trading, giving, borrowing, and recommending books to other people a bonding exercise. That is, if I really like you, I will buy you books.

11) I have never read _The Left Hand of Darkness_. But I feel really bad about it.

12) I would rather write like Joanna Russ than Ursula LeGuin. Unfortunately, this may mean I will die poor. On the other hand, if I can figure out plot, the world may be ready for bloody brutal women fiction now. You never know.

13) I would like to own at least 5,000 books.

14) I own 30 years worth of National Geographic magazines. I consider it Travel Porn.

15) I would like to buy a bouse so I can stop culling my books every damn time I move.

Off to NY

December 16, 2005

Off to NY for the weekend. Happily, as I could use the rest and it appears my household is imploding.

I need a vacation.

And After All That…

December 14, 2005

Good things, for once. Morning weights, writing, gym, sensible food, short walks at work, chatting with my writing buddy Patrick, credit card minimum payments are paid, good stuff in NY this weekend, and I’ll be at the Oregon Coast next week. Sweet.

Big, deep, breath.

Anyway, back to writing, then dinner.

And guess what I got for Christmas? The regional VP gave away 30 years worth of National Geographic Magazines in the collector’s hardbound covers. I got all of them.

They are fucking sweet.

And fucking heavy.

I’ve been dragging them home one at a time for nearly a month. Almost done.

They make me very happy.

It’s That Time Of Year Again

December 12, 2005

Time for some Bad Sex.

(thanks, B)

Amusing Forward of the Month

December 12, 2005

An English professor told his class one day: “Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me.

“The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”

The following was turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca
and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of filtered TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!”

(Rebecca)
filtered

(Gary)
filtered

(Rebecca)
filtered YOU – YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)
Go drink some tea – filtered.

(TEACHER)
A+ – I really liked this one.

(thanks, Ian)